MY BABY FOOTSTEPS

Not so much cost-free… but rather the freedom to play carefree, and have a great time just running wild.

At times I used to watch her over like a hawk, screaming out warnings each time I see a potential danger upcoming, or running up to catch her when she falls.

Other times… more often now… I tell myself to hold back and let her explore by herself.  Remembering my childhood (however much I can), I remember I was given the freedom to roam.  As a baby, my parents would put me on my fours on the grass, and I could crawl all over the soil, fiddle and pluck out the grass with my fingers.  (Okay, I don’t remember that… but I saw these from the fading photographs).  As a child, my grandma would let me and my sister head down to the playground by ourselves… and only I could remember the daredevil stunts that I would attempt while the adults were not looking.

So why then am I so hung up over whether the little girl gets a scratch, or a knock, or even just dirt under her fingernails from picking up fallen leaves and sticks?

So today I let her run while I sit comfortably on the bench.  I let her scream and do the mild stunts such as sliding down backwards… crawl up the slides… I let her attempt to climb up the railing that she never used to dare attempt without the parents standing at the back shouting encouragements.  I let her play free.  And I had a great time slacking off.

End of the day?  She  came home with a possibly strained thumb and a rather big patch of abrasion on her shin.  She came home a whiney girl cos she’s in discomfort. But no major injuries, and a great morning working out and playing with neighbours while I got some good time-out just talking to myself like this.  And I should really do this more often cos I’ve not had my me-time for quite a long while now, and it felt really good.  :)

Dearest Yahn,

Since your birth… or even since your existence in my life… we’ve never been apart for more than a day. 

For 3+ years, we’ve always cuddled and hugged at night before you went to sleep. And for 3+ years, I’ll always wake up with you beside me (though most of the time it’s you who wakes up first, checking that I’m beside you). And for 3+ years, I’ve never imagine the possibility nor necessity for us to be apart for more than a day.  

And just a month or so into my return to the corporate world, I was summoned to travel against my will. Perhaps it was my fault for not insisting my way when I told them I will not and cannot travel. My words fell on deaf ears and I somehow gave up the fight. And then I attempted to get Daddy to bring you along with me so we will not be apart ever… But the schedule I was faced with in France and the high cost to fly you there and still not be able to spend time with you made us decide it was crazy (on hindsight, I should have just insisted cos at least I’ll have you beside me when I sleep and when I wake).

Just thinking of being 5 days and 5 nights apart from you is making my heart ache so much. And work has been so crazy this whole month that I ended up working ungodly hours just to clear my work again – the exact situation I didn’t want when I decided to go back to work.

Yahn, Mommy is sorry. Sorry for putting both of us through this unnecessary situation. Sorry for not fighting hard enough against what I do not want. Sorry for giving in just like that.

Yahn, Mommy loves you tons. I may not say it everyday, but everyday it only grows. I promise you if you don’t want mommy to travel without you anymore, I will not do so. And I promise I’ll look after myself while I’m away so that I can come back to you soonest possible. You look after yourself and Daddy too so that when I return, you’ll be ready to welcome me back, okay?

It’s going to be such a long 5 days and 5 nights… and I’m so going to miss you tons.

Loving you loads,
Mommy

Me: Yahn, Mama is feeling sad…
She:  (comes over and pats my head) It’s okay Mama… (and then hugs me) I love you, Mama…

The instant comfort I felt kindof explains why my comforting and sayang-ing always works when she’s crying from pain or discomfort too… The power of words, love and support…

Dear Daughter,

I know you have been unwell for weeks. I know all that buildup of phlegm has been making your sleep difficult and miserable. I know you have been waking up coughing and wheezing real badly, and that makes your sleep interrupted.

But that does not give you the license to:

(1) pull mommy’s blanket away THE WHOLE NIGHT and throw it to the foot of the bed, just so you could…

(2) … reach under mommy’s shirt and dig her belly-button THE WHOLE NIGHT, even though for some strange reason you seem to find this a comfort in your terribly unwell and miserable state.

(3) rest your whole 11.5kg weight on your mommy’s head, or neck, or shoulders, or chest, or stomach, or legs, as you try your best to find a comfortable position to return to dreamland.

Not when your mommy already tried her best to hug you tight, lend her shoulder for you to lie on, grab warm water for you to drink each time your coughing fits starts, or even rub VICKS on you and hold the bottle to your nose to help you breathe better… THE WHOLE NIGHT.

……

Fine… let’s assume your mommy decides against her better judgement to let you do all the above because she’s too tired to fight a battle with you in the middle of the night. In that case, you should have just let her lie in when morning broke and allowed your daddy, the one who had a MUCH BETTER sleep the night before, to handle your morning whims and fancies.

You should not ignore your daddy’s request to head outside (and stay outside!), and instead remain on the bed to sit on, jump on, and squeeze your poor mommy who is nursing a bad headache and bodyache, having wrestled with you THE WHOLE NIGHT over the blanket and the belly-button issues.

You, my girl… needs to learn some nice bed manners. Else, please return to your own bed AND STAY THERE!

Much love,
Your (Panda-eyed, Body-aching, Mind-throbbing, Mood-grouchy) Mommy

.

I belong to that small group of mothers who are still nursing their kids even after they turn one…  And the even smaller group of mothers who are still nursing their kids after they celebrate their second birthday… 2.5 years from the day I started my breastfeeding journey, I’m still a milk-on-demand cow.

Okay, you can stop feeling sad for me now.

To be honest, I don’t detest it. In fact, the time when I thought I had weaned her off for good, I felt that little pinch of nostalgia and sadness… Just a tiny pinch… So when she suddenly wanted to go back on the boob, I didn’t fight her.

And tonight, as with some other occasional (traumatic) nights, I’m glad I’m still nursing her.

Tonight, she took a nose dive down the bed while monkeying around. Cried for about 20-30 minutes non-stop. No amount of ice, hugs and kisses could soothe my poor baby. Then of course the magic question “Do you want milk milk?” was offered… and immediately, my wailing girl controlled her sobs enough to mutter out a “Yes”. It was then that I could finally confirmed that she was not just whining for attention, but that it was REALLY PAINFUL. She couldn’t even talk properly.

So she plugged in to my miracle painkiller and I didn’t hear a single sob anymore. She nursed for another 30 minutes before dozing off to sleep without another whimper.

So I say thanks. Thanks that I am lucky to be able to breastfeed her from the day that she was born. Thanks that I was able to stay-at-home during her whole first year to be a milk-on-demand source (even though I felt like a chained-slave most of the first year). Thanks that I never gave up despite multiple episodes of blocked ducts, bleeding and cracked nipples, and even infections. And thanks that even though my supply is low, it can still soothe and comfort her whenever.

I don’t know how long more this journey will last. But as long as she wants, I’ll provide. That’s going to be my biggest gift to her.

You know you have engineers for parents when they talk to other people like this:

(conversation was about how my memory was worse than before, all in colloquial Singlish…)

MY : oh yah. before is thumbdrive.  but thumbdrive also got 2G memory wat. not so bad

MY : nah…. it’s just technology upgrade with each new software update

Just for laughs… But it is true. My girl’s memory is really scanner or video-capture, directly saved onto a hard-disk… with backup… maybe even auto-failover. Whatever. It’s just POWERFUL.

I just hope it doesn’t load up with all the crappy things that she’s been watching on YouTube to the point that she leaves no space for proper things.

My second award… Amazing. Never thought I could be winning awards for blogging. Okay, so I’m not going to get a trophy nor cold hard cash prize… but the appreciation! The love!

“Yahn, look! Mommy won an award! People out there must love me, and you too! (Since this blog is really all about you… )”

Thanks to Summer from “A Happy Mum” for nominating me. Once again, when I started out blogging, it was really for the husband and myself. To remember our time together. And then it was opened to family and close friends whom I cannot meet frequently, but whom I want to share my happenings so they always know what is going on in my life.  Yes, Facebook does that too… but my geek husband doesn’t want me to put up so many of our personal information on Facebook so he gave me my own web server.

“One Lovely Blog”… I suddenly remember this phrase I’ve seen often in my younger days… “Love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay. Love isn’t love till you give it away.”

So I’m sharing this award with other bloggers, especially mommies. Cos we moms have been giving out so much love to our children that it always cheers us up when we get some more coming our way. These are a few that I’m following cos they always have such great ideas for me to use with my girl! *Thanks Mommies*

1. Love and Lollipops
2. Playing with Words 365
3. Mess for Less
4. La-La’s Home Daycare
5. Teaching 2 and 3 Year Olds

I’m also to list a few things about myself along with this blog award. Is this some kind of thank you speech? You know, like during the Grammy and Oscar awards when the recipient goes on stage and say a few words? Let’s see…

1. I’m happy… cos my girl is happy. Everytime she breaks into loud and wild laughter, I frown at her unladylike demeanour. But inwardly, I am happy seeing how carefree and relaxed she is to laugh with such abandonment.
2. I’m stressed… I may have been a mommy for 2.5 years… but there’s nothing to tell me whether I’m doing things right or wrong. Sometimes I think I’m doing it all wrong and that I should send her to school (like this)… and other times I think I should be feeding her better instead of my miserable cooking or finding the easy way to eat out.
3. I’m excited… I’m in the midst of trying to do something for my girl… So let’s see how it goes.
4. I’m worried… Having been a SAHM for 3 years, I do worry about our finances. But instead of throwing my girl to a childcare, returning to the workforce, and beefing up our household income to live more comfortably, I want to try to do something more. (Refer to Point 3). I’ll give myself maybe a year, or two? If it fails… then yes, I’ll be shipping Yahn to school and sending out my resume fervently.
5. I’m at peace… not. The day I say I’m at peace is when I lay in a wooden box. But because of discontentment, and because of the constant want for more, I’ll keep trying to win. Isn’t that why Steve Jobs ended off his speech with “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish”.  And if all still fail… at least I can say I’ve tried. That I can really lie in that wooden box several decades down the road and really say – “I’m at peace”.

(Sorry if it sounds kindof morbid towards the end… I guess the song “Amazing Grace” drifting into my ears from the funeral downstairs earlier has really affected me.)