Archive for the 'just me' Category

Sep 04 2014

Preparing for the inevitable

Published by under 4-5 yrs,just me

Sometime back we went to the temple to pay respect to my departed grandparents and great-grandparents etc.  Yahn may be less than 5 years old but I wanted to let her know what and why we were doing these.  So I told her that we were going to pay respect to our ancestors.  That they have once lived together with us and have since passed away and we can now always remember them in our hearts.

And I took that chance to leave my final message to her too, in the event I couldn’t stay around her as long as I would like to.  I told her that no matter where I am, no matter what happens, I will always love her. That whether I am home late that night, or overseas for work for a few days, or even if I should pass away one day, that I will always ALWAYS love her and I will always watch out for her.

And she understood.  Cos she started tearing.  And so did I.

Then she said to me with her voice cracking, “Mama, I will always miss you”.  We hugged each other very tightly to sleep that night.

I don’t know if it is too early to share the notion of death.  But given how sometimes it comes so sudden that no one can prepare for it, I need to at least let my girl know.  Know that regardless of all the scoldings and the anger, that even if one day I should no longer be around to tuck her to bed every night, that she is most loved by me.

My greatest wish in life is not for fame or fortune, but to be able to be healthy and stay with my family as long as they need me.  For my girl, that time will be till the day she finds someone else who loves her as much as I do and who will spend the rest of her life with her.  That is the biggest wish this mom has… and may this wish come true.


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Aug 11 2014

My 2014 Mid Year Review

Published by under just me

Mid Year Review: A corporate term that makes everyone scramble to take time from their already packed schedule and work load to look at what they are doing to refocus and reprioritise to make sure the year’s key targets are achieved.  Well, at least that’s the aim.  But half the time, everything remains important and everything remains urgent.  Lack of time or resources just means putting extra late hours to ensure deadlines are met.

I’ve been through a couple of such.  And as I started hitting my limits at work from various reasons, I decided I needed a time-out.  As like a mid-year review, to see what exactly I’m doing, and exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

So I am now having 2 months of me-time.  And by that, I don’t intend to turn back into a SAHM again cos that is the best way to lose my me-time.  At least in the office, I can cater some time to myself to focus on my own matters and solve my own problems.  As a SAHM, unless the little one is asleep, I’m forever at her beck and call – and should I not, I’ll end up feeling guilty afterwards.  Best way to end up hating myself rather than recharging my batteries, really.

And how did my me-time start?  Badly.  I fell really sick on my last few days at work – catching mycoplasma (which google informed was a mild form of pneumonia).  My throat burned so bad and my body ached so much.  And each time I suffered a coughing fit, I’ll be hacking my lungs out for a full minute as tears streamed uncontrollably down my face.  Probably one of the worst bugs I’ve ever caught.

Thank goodness it has since been about 12 days and I believe the worse is over.  The bodyaches still come and go but at least my throat feels normal once more.  Thank goodness too that when I was struck down by the bacteria, I was already going on leave and was able to rest more at home.  That is, if I can really reject the daughter’s constant demands.  Just the past weekend, she came bobbing along to me.

She: Mommy, Saturday is National Day!  Where are we going?
Me: Mommy is very sick.  Mommy needs to rest at home.
She: …. Then where is Daddy bringing me?
Me: Mommy is sick so Daddy needs to stay at home and look after me.
She: But mommy, you are so big already you can look after yourself.  Daddy can bring me out.
Me: …… (muttering inwardly what an uncaring daughter I have) 

But health is mine own.  I guess I really can’t rely on someone else to ensure I remain in the pink of health.  While my daughter showed her uncaring side in my weakest moment, *sob*, I got reminded that it was really up to myself to ensure I build up my body’s resistance.  So once I get my clean bill of health, the first resolution I’m setting would be to pick up an exercise regime that continues beyond these 2 months of sabbatical.

Onto my second course of antibiotics and I’m almost there!  Once I’m up on my feet again, I can truly start recharging my batteries to prepare for the next journey waiting for me.


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Jun 13 2014

Cosleeping… (4+ years on)

Published by under 4-5 yrs,just me

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She’s almost 5 years old… and I’m not ashamed to say we still sleep together every night.

True she disturbs my sleep each time when she comes into my space.  Especially so when she does her usual “finger-in-my-belly-button” habit… which she somehow finds to be a comfort.  Sometimes it makes me think that’s the exact purpose of my belly button. She could be feeling terribly sick at night, or even that time when she vomited through the night. She could be fidgeting through the night, but would somehow calm herself back to sleep once her finger finds it’s way into my belly button.

Whatever works… though for sure that ends up waking me up too in a very grouchy mood. *sigh*

The daddy on the other hand wishes her back in her own bed cos he gets super frustrated when she kicks his face in the middle of the night (somehow yahn prefers to sleep horizontal rather than vertical).  But even he admits the bliss with his daughter sleeping by his side hugging his arms like a bolster.  :)

I don’t know when she’ll outgrow this and starts asking for her personal space away from us, locking up her bedroom door demanding her privacy.  So I’m just going to (try to) enjoy this want to stick around us, even if it gives me all these eyebags from interrupted sleep.

Oyasuminasai…


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May 20 2014

Mother’s Day 2014

Published by under 4-5 yrs,just me

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As my girl grows each year, my mother’s day celebration gets more special. As she learns her ABCs, and masters her arts and craft, I get more handicrafts and handwritten cards to remind me how important I am to my little one.

It has gotten to the point where she’d take an empty card from my stash just to write a love note to me, sealed in an envelope with stickers. And this doesn’t just happen on mother’s day but all through the year.

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Each time she presents it to me, I thank her for her love and remind her just how precious she is to me too.

And at this time, especially this time, I tell myself how lucky I am to have her in my life. The joy, the laughter, the love… and even the frustration, the exasperation, the worries… Having her in my life made it so much more meaningful and treasured.

Happy mother’s day. And I thank all my lucky stars I’m your mommy.


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Feb 02 2013

Playing free

Published by under 3-4 yrs,activities,just me,outings

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Not so much cost-free… but rather the freedom to play carefree, and have a great time just running wild.

At times I used to watch her over like a hawk, screaming out warnings each time I see a potential danger upcoming, or running up to catch her when she falls.

Other times… more often now… I tell myself to hold back and let her explore by herself.  Remembering my childhood (however much I can), I remember I was given the freedom to roam.  As a baby, my parents would put me on my fours on the grass, and I could crawl all over the soil, fiddle and pluck out the grass with my fingers.  (Okay, I don’t remember that… but I saw these from the fading photographs).  As a child, my grandma would let me and my sister head down to the playground by ourselves… and only I could remember the daredevil stunts that I would attempt while the adults were not looking.

So why then am I so hung up over whether the little girl gets a scratch, or a knock, or even just dirt under her fingernails from picking up fallen leaves and sticks?

So today I let her run while I sit comfortably on the bench.  I let her scream and do the mild stunts such as sliding down backwards… crawl up the slides… I let her attempt to climb up the railing that she never used to dare attempt without the parents standing at the back shouting encouragements.  I let her play free.  And I had a great time slacking off. :)

End of the day?  She  came home with a possibly strained thumb and a rather big patch of abrasion on her shin.  She came home a whiney girl cos she’s in discomfort. But no major injuries, and a great morning working out and playing with neighbours while I got some good time-out just talking to myself like this.  And I should really do this more often cos I’ve not had my me-time for quite a long while now, and it felt really good.  :)


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Oct 23 2012

mommy’s missing you so much…

Published by under 3-4 yrs,just me

Dearest Yahn,

Since your birth… or even since your existence in my life… we’ve never been apart for more than a day. 

For 3+ years, we’ve always cuddled and hugged at night before you went to sleep. And for 3+ years, I’ll always wake up with you beside me (though most of the time it’s you who wakes up first, checking that I’m beside you). And for 3+ years, I’ve never imagine the possibility nor necessity for us to be apart for more than a day.  

And just a month or so into my return to the corporate world, I was summoned to travel against my will. Perhaps it was my fault for not insisting my way when I told them I will not and cannot travel. My words fell on deaf ears and I somehow gave up the fight. :( And then I attempted to get Daddy to bring you along with me so we will not be apart ever… But the schedule I was faced with in France and the high cost to fly you there and still not be able to spend time with you made us decide it was crazy (on hindsight, I should have just insisted cos at least I’ll have you beside me when I sleep and when I wake). :(

Just thinking of being 5 days and 5 nights apart from you is making my heart ache so much. And work has been so crazy this whole month that I ended up working ungodly hours just to clear my work again – the exact situation I didn’t want when I decided to go back to work.

Yahn, Mommy is sorry. Sorry for putting both of us through this unnecessary situation. Sorry for not fighting hard enough against what I do not want. Sorry for giving in just like that.

Yahn, Mommy loves you tons. I may not say it everyday, but everyday it only grows. I promise you if you don’t want mommy to travel without you anymore, I will not do so. And I promise I’ll look after myself while I’m away so that I can come back to you soonest possible. You look after yourself and Daddy too so that when I return, you’ll be ready to welcome me back, okay? :)

It’s going to be such a long 5 days and 5 nights… and I’m so going to miss you tons.

Loving you loads,
Mommy


4 responses so far

Jul 13 2012

Kidspeak: It’s okay, Mommy…

Published by under 2-3 yrs,just me,quotes

Me: Yahn, Mama is feeling sad…
She:  (comes over and pats my head) It’s okay Mama… (and then hugs me) I love you, Mama…

The instant comfort I felt kindof explains why my comforting and sayang-ing always works when she’s crying from pain or discomfort too… The power of words, love and support…


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